I'm Here

Lots to update. That will all be at the bottom of this post. I have important stuff to discuss/write about first.
I recently turned 25 and am feeling pretty darn old. That's a quarter of a century. I've been joking about a quarter life crisis but part of me is a bit concerned. When I think of everything I thought I wanted to do by now, I've done very little. At the same time, I can't really think of what might be on that specific time frame. I feel like I should've already discovered all of Ireland, had a baby, traveled the U.S. Granted I've done some traveling in the last years but I just feel like I should have accomplished more. What's funny is that I have a college degree and not many people can say that. It just never seems to feel like enough to me.
Would you believe that there was a direct correlation between my downslide with Emi and my faith? I was thinking about it the other day. In no way do I blame her. That's all on me. I just let it happen. She was my person. She was the one that led me to God, no doubts about it. I genuinely don't think I would've gotten there if not for her. Maybe it would've happened down the lines, who knows, probably with the way God is, but I definitely wouldn't be here right now. So I have a lot to be thankful to her for. But I've also been grieving lately.
See, I don't do family. My experience has always led to pretty deep wounds so I just try to avoid families altogether. I make my close friends into family and she was the closest ever. I've written it before but when I told her I thought my parents would die in a few years and that I was worried I'd be alone, she said I would have her. She said she would be my family but now she's not here.
We drifted and I accept now that I'm also responsible for that. I was hurt and let it happen because that's the experience I had with my own family. Whatever, the point is that I'm not mad at her for it anymore. I realize that it was sadly both of our faults and I let it impact my faith.
But now there's that emptiness. When David and I moved down here, I called her the first night around 3 AM, hysterical because I didn't think I could handle actually being an Army wife. Now we're getting ready to move and I'm panicked again. We don't have a house. We're also going to lose my 40k income and go straight to Army enlisted pay. The housing details are all below this post. It's really freaking me out. I don't feel safe right now. I'm not feeling taken care of and I have felt ready to snap for months now.
All I want to do is call and hear that reassuring "God's got a plan, Let go and let God, etc." But I don't have that best friend anymore and I don't have that strong Christian woman that I've let in enough to express all this too. It's really personal and I have a lot of walls built up, admittedly.
So. While I know, deep down, that somehow everything will work out, I don't believe it because I don't have that constant person there telling me before I even have to express it. I don't have that friend with the strong passionate faith that would keep me believing when I didn't want to. I don't have a woman friend believing in me like that, who knows me so deeply.
Don't get me wrong, David is great and he does his best. But it's not the same.
It was like I didn't have her to guide me anymore and so I stopped. I just stopped and then I slid back and back some more until now "Let go and let God" is an afterthought from a near-panic attack. Call me crazy but, like I said, I'm really freaked out about this whole thing. I don't feel safe without a house and we officially have less than a month to secure one.
If it sounds like I'm accusing her or blaming her for my faith problems, that's not it. What I'm eventually, in probably a really poor way, trying to say is that I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough to stand up and hold onto my faith when other things were falling apart. And now that they are apart, I keep wanting to get them back together in order to get my faith back. But the logical part of me knows that's the opposite of how it should work.
I should be strong enough in this time to know that God really does have a purpose in all of this and that it's on His time. He will provide the perfect house in the perfect location for the perfect price that suits our needs perfectly. It just hasn't happened yet and I'm not trusting enough. I know in my head it will work out because it always, always does. But my heart keeps nagging, "What if it doesn't this time?"
My wish is that I were strong enough to face this now with the faith I had before. But I've never had to have faith on my own before.
This whole above post is infuriating because I would tell myself to go to PWOC or my church and talk to someone. But then I'd argue that I don't want to get so close to someone just to leave in a month. That would be letting down a whole lot of barriers for someone that I would just end up losing as well. So instead I'll write about it here, in my vacant blog, hoping that maybe God will take pity on me and hear my cries.

Anyway, as promised, here is the update I wrote earlier about the rest of my life:
On the moving front, a month from now we'll be in WV. At this time we still do not have a house. I've tried and tried. There are a few rentals in the area. There's an apartment that might potentially take us but we can't apply until after I've left my job because they're income-based. David makes about $60 a year shy of the max you can get to live there. AKA when he gets promoted, they may try to kick us out. Other than that it's literally been housing scam after scam after scam. There was one house we fell in love with that we were actually hoping to buy. I contacted the realtor Monday to find that someone had already swooped in and gotten it, leaving us back to being homeless. I then find out it would take 45-60 days to secure a home anyway, which we don't have. I'm panicked, let's be honest, but I keep trying to remember the tattoo on my ankle: Let go and let God.
Baby news time. Right now there's not much we can do because we're moving in a month. I did get a referral for a fertility specialist but there's no treatment to be done because it all takes months. So, unfortunately, I will have to go through the referral process again in WV. Such is the Army way. We do know that I have PCOS now. They usually fix that through hormone treatments, which is impossible with my blood clotting disorder, so who knows. There may even be more wrong that hasn't been discovered yet until seeing the specialist.

TTC

Update for my faithful readers, if there are any around. It's been a while, I know. I should have a lot more time in January to update as I won't have a job anymore!

So. First things first. My last post. I still have not talked to my mother, nor do I intend to any time soon. I believe this is actually the longest we've gone without talking. Sometimes it's difficult but for the most part I actually feel less stress. It's quite nice.

On to important things. It looks like we're going to South Charleston, WV! Not quite sure how I feel about that yet but it's 90% sure. I've tried already looking for a house but to no avail. We're only getting $825 a month in BAH so that's not a whole lot. Apparently there's some program for recruiters that David is getting more info on.

Speaking of, he's at recruiter course! He reported Halloween and was able to come home for Veteran's Day. He'll also be home for Thanksgiving!

The biggest excitement is that we're actually trying for a baby. As in doctors. It's been a year since we stopped preventing and no pregnancy yet. Technically that makes us infertile but we're just now starting the doctor process. So far I've been in for a well woman check. Wednesday I go in for a pelvic ultrasound. That should be a big step in finding out what's wrong. I've always been super irregular and the blood clotting disorder doesn't help either. None of those things mean I 100% cannot have kids though. It just makes it a bit more difficult to become preggo.

Part of me really wants to buy furniture on Black Friday. I figure it would be okay to get a crib, changing table, etc. so long as they are gender neutral. Isn't that having faith in God that he would be the one putting this strong desire in my heart? On the other hand, what if I get that stuff but it's not meant to be? Sure I could sell it. My thought is to get it now when I'm making $40k instead of when we're simply on David's income. He says wait and to have faith that God will provide the means for those items when we actually are pregnant. I'll probably hold off even though I won't want to. Or maybe I'll just buy a really fancy convertible crib. Who knows.

Anyway. That's probably about it for now. We're just really, really wanting a baby.

Set Fire To The Rain

If ever there was a time for me to rediscover my faith, now would be it. God, how I need prayers. I don't know where to go from here. I feel so sick and empty, yet filled with anger and hatred. It's the most awful feeling that I may have ever felt, brought on by my own mother.

I mentioned she and my dad were separated. Long time coming and an even longer story. Some highlights are that she had my dad cash in his 401k so that she could buy a house just a few blocks away. There were a lot of backhanded comments made by both of them but mostly by her. She was posting a lot about it on facebook. It was extremely inappropriate and not stuff that I wanted to be reading so I deleted her. I realized that she was still able to see my page and then blocked her.

The other day she sent both a text and an email asking why she couldn't see my facebook profile. I didn't respond. A few hours ago she sent me a picture of a tattoo. 1) It was really ugly. 2) It was just above her boob. It was really trashy looking. Because I responded about the tattoo, she asked again about facebook. I came clean, telling her I deleted her because I didn't think it was fair for her to have such easy access to my life while dad doesn't. I also said that I didn't like seeing the comments she was making about their separation.

She came back cursing at me:

"Well I'll be damned. Did it ever occur to you that your Dad could get a computer? He sure as hell knew how to use it years ago. What the hell do you mean about what being played out online? I cannot believe you, how unfair. For your information it was HIS idea that we split up. He must of asked me four other times, his words, Maybe we should split up well I got tired of hearing it and finally said fine. That's the story. Like it or not. For you to take sides is totally unfair. At least now I know your feelings." 


I of course responded that I wasn't taking sides. I'm not. I just didn't think it was fair that she could have such easy access with zero effort. Then, yeah, I got a bit nasty and told her she was behaving like a middle schooler. I told her to grow up, be an adult, be a parent, and that I was done dealing with the crap. Sure, maybe I crossed a line when I added "Contact me when you've stopped embarrassing yourself and the family."

This got me two awful responses from my own mother:

Of course you are taking sides when you delete me. Is it my fault he doesn't have a computer. He never used it to see what was happening with you. Nothing has changed with him getting information. You know darn well your Dad and I have had problems for a long time. Is it so bad to want to find some happyness? Your dad could not have been happy downstairs. I'd like to know what I have done to embarrass myself and our family. That is a mystery to me. Please let me know.


Followed shortly by:

You need to look in the mirror and read this paragraph you sent me because I could make a list of a few things that have embarrassed me about you. Let me know if you would like to see my list. And yes I am done with this crap from you. Think about it Carla, and maybe you will realize what I am referring to.


Genuinely I have no idea what she's referring to but I congratulated her on losing a daughter. I really mean it. I'm done with her. My dad I'm undecided on. He tried calling last week but I was already asleep so I didn't chat. He's been the best one to respect my wishes about not mentioning the separation though. Rather than blame her, he basically told me it was his fault and I could blame him. I told him I didn't even want to hear stuff like that and he was done talking about it.

Just a few minutes ago my mom responded with this one:

You are my daughter no matter what... That's your choice but you will always be my daughter, you can't change that and the fact that I love you. I am not going to be quiet and let u disrespect me. Have I been the best parent... no but I tried my best. Have I made mistakes.... sure we all do. Do your dad and I deserve to be happy.... yes but we were not happy with each other. So now we are on a new adventure. I truly hope your dad finds someone to love and have them love him back. He is a very nice man. All I can say is I did my best, it may not have been good enough for you but I tried........ I do love you and always will.


I'm not going to respond. If I do, it won't be for a while. That whole email reeks of manipulation to me. Maybe I'm a little paranoid but I'm not going that route with her anymore. I just can't go there.

I know where I do need to go though. Pretty sure I should head back to counseling. I feel like I don't really have a good outlet right now or a way to figure out my feelings. They just all float around and build up. For two whole weeks I felt like crying but nothing would come. It wasn't until Saturday when I watched a super sad movie on Lifetime that I was suddenly bawling my eyes out. Seriously. I was literally sobbing out loud, whimpering, tears just pouring down my face. Then it happened again tonight when this went down with my mom. Thankfully David was here so I wasn't alone this time. I just don't know how to handle things anymore.

A big part of me wants to pray but I don't even know how to do that anymore. I'm not that same person who had no problem going up to the alter and asking for help. I have the desire to be. Maybe that's a step but now I need to move my feet. It's just... I worry too much what people think. I worry about who would see me. I worry about what David would think. I worry that people would judge me. But I'm not sure how much longer I can go on this way. It is miserable.

Somewhere inside of me is that girl who found her faith when Will died, when Mike died, and when my whole world had fallen apart. I need her back because this version isn't working. I am so incredibly removed from God that I feel hypocritical calling myself a Christian. I need it but somehow I don't know how to get it back. Where to even begin?

I will not live in shame to make Jesus like me better.

Well. My parents are separated.

Inventing Shadows

I'm having the type of day/week where I come home, spill a bottle of Gatorade, and nearly burst into tears.

It's funny how I'm not sure what I want.

I really like money. That's why I'm working.

Yet every day, at least lately, I've been desperately wanting to be pregnant.

It's really hard when my best friend down here is pregnant.

All of my female friends here are either pregnant or have children already.

So which do I want more?

-Do I want to have kidlets and stay home to raise them, not missing any of those milestones?

-Do I want to work and have extra money to buy us/future kidlets whatever they need?

Bleh.

Clearly I am not pregnant so this shouldn't matter but I'm just trying to think ahead for when we PCS.

I'm not a go-with-the-flow kind of girl.

Undeniable

There are things that happen sometimes that are just undeniably God. It smacks you in the face and screams, "Hey, listen! This is my plan we're going to use and not yours." Sometimes I also think there's an added "neener-neener-neener" with a tongue sticking out and chuckle. Lovingly, of course.

I had one of those moments this week. Or, rather, my husband did. I'm not quite sure he's realized it yet because he's still in so much shock but I'm pretty excited. Rather nervous about such a change, but excited nonetheless. It's one of those things where all you can do is sit back and wait to see what God decides to do with you.

My husband got an email this week telling him that he's been selected to become a recruiter. He reports to school on Halloween, finishes mid-December, and then we'll PCS at the beginning of the year to someplace new. To someplace we have really zero say in. To someplace where we'll virtually be civilian. No Army post for us. Three years. We'll have three years of no moving, no deployments, and no getting out of wherever we're sent.

He keeps saying this wasn't part of his career plan. That's what he repeated for the first few days really. I have to sit back and laugh. This wasn't part of the plan. I think God is really amused with us right now. We must be great entertainment.

I think my husband has wrapped his mind around it. Now instead of "This wasn't part of the plan," he'll randomly say "I'm going to be a recruiter."

It's really one of those things we couldn't have planned for. It is so obviously a God thing that I'm just letting go at this point. Clearly it's His plan (as it should be) so I'm giving up. Whatever plan I thought I had, it's out the window. In a very, very good way.

Oh, this is so delightfully brilliant! I can't even explain how funny this whole recruiter thing is to me. Because it's so God. And I'm seeing a sense of humor that I love and appreciate that I've not really been witness to before.

What better way to shake up a soldier and his wife than to make them live as civilians for a few years?